The HomeSpun Life

As a homeschool mom of faith, this post is going to be quite controversial. I understand that my opinions and philosophy in life is not in line with the beliefs of many Christian Homeschoolers, so I’m not going to expect that this post will be well accepted by them. However, I do hope they’ll at least consider what I’m going to say. I hope they consider my thoughts, because children are being abused and neglected. I hope that their deeply religious hearts will consider my words for the sake of children in their own community. I’m not against parents who have genuine hearts to educate their children at home, but there is a deeply troubling dilemma plaguing the homeschool community and we need to open our eyes to it and do something about it. I pleaded with abused women to reach out for help and I’ve offered some advice to help begin the process of offering help to them. Today, I’m going to be blunt with the leaders who preach that homeschooling is best for all children, because it’s not! Homeschool isn’t best for all kids.

Homeschooling is not best for kids …

• whose parents blindly follow conspiracy theories.
• whose parents live in fear of everyone outside their own group.
• whose parents have anger problems.
• whose parents don’t think they have what it takes to home educate.
• whose parents can’t stand to be with their kids all day.
• whose parents spank for every infraction.
• whose parents lack grace.
• whose parents threaten their kids with CPS if they don’t do as their told.
• whose parents threaten their kids with after-life punishments.
• whose parents are threatening.
• whose parents lack patience.
• whose parents are pressured into homeschooling by other leaders.

The list could go on and on.

I’ve seen the arguments around the Internet and quite honestly, some arguments make me want to bang my head on a wall.

“Parents shouldn’t be allowed to teach their own kids.”

So people can have sex and give birth to children, but they can’t teach their kids reading, math, or history? I don’t think people realize how asinine their arguments are.

“Parents should only homeschool if they have a degree.”

But people can have sex and give birth to babies without a parenting degree.

*shakes head*

If you’re going to make an argument about education and parenting, then get better at expressing your perspective. These statements aren’t helping anyone and they just make you look ridiculous.

Most homeschool parents were educated in the public school system. If these parents don’t have what it takes to teach the very subjects they learned in public school for 13 years, then God help the public school system! And you want their kids to attend the same schools their parents did?

But lets move the conversation to the hot topic of the week; children who suffer abuse in the homeschool environment.

If your leaders are pressuring you to homeschool out of some religious idea that only parents should educate their children, then don’t you dare bring your kids home!

You may not be the best teacher for your kids. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you’re the right teacher for them.

Leaders, stop pressuring people to homeschool! You don’t know every family out there who is listening to your teaching. You don’t know which parents are abusive, mentally ill, or narcissistic. You should NOT be telling parents that they alone are the best teachers for their kids. You don’t know them!

Making the choice to home educate is a deeply serious decision that should never be taken lightly. If a parent is considering it, then they need to look into what it takes before they make their decision. Just because HSLDA says you have “parental rights to choose your child’s education”, doesn’t mean all parents are making their choice from a wise place.

Parents should look at ALL their options and research each and every option available to them. They should ask themselves if home educating is best for their child and if it’s best for themselves. Parents who hide in the “homeschool” community so they can continue to be abusive are NOT home educating. They are NOT homeschooling. They are abusing, period! Oh their kids might learn to read, write, and do simple math…but lots of kids who suffer abuse can read, write, and do math. Homeschooling is SO MUCH MORE than reading, writing, and doing math.

In fact, so called ‘homeschoolers’ who are hiding abuse aren’t REALLY a part of the homeschool community. They’re just trying to blend in by using the lingo. Of the homeschool abuse I’ve read about, those families lived highly isolated lives. A COMMUNITY isn’t isolated. Isolation and community are in opposition to one another. Isolated homeschoolers might make some public appearances so they are seen, but still live extremely private lives.

I’ve tried playing ‘devil’s advocate’ in understanding such an isolated life and I just don’t see how that can be healthy for anyone, let alone a child.

Home educating should be safe for kids. It should be preparing them for the world they will step into when they are an adult. Better yet, it should be preparing them to merge into this world. But if your idea of homeschool is about locking your kid away from the world out of fear, then homeschooling isn’t the best option for you. I’m not saying it can’t be at some point, but you may need to get help for yourself before you bring the kids home.

Learn all you can about home education. Learn about how hard it is, how much dedication it takes, how much of your life it’s going to take. In the mean time, be AS INVOLVED AS POSSIBLE with your child’s public education. Meet with teachers and ask lots of questions. It’s rare that a parent wants to spend that kind of time with a teacher so when those teachers meet a parent like that, they love it. Volunteer in the school, grade papers, read the books the kids are reading. Look at their papers, read their book reports, study their math papers and see where they’re struggling. You might find that keeping them in public school and being active in their school is better for you and for your child, than homeschooling would be.

Homeschooling isn’t best for all kids, especially not for kids whose parents are abusive. Since we don’t always know who is abusive, don’t advise people that “homeschooling is best for all kids”.

 

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When abuse happens in a community, we need to do what ever we can to help make a difference. Abuse happens in all kinds of communities, but for this post I want to focus on the Christian community and the Christian Homeschool community. One abused child is too many. One dead child is too many. But what are we doing to make a difference? Are we so quick to defend our parental rights that we shove right passed our children’s rights to be safe? What are we doing to help our community’s children? How can we protect children in a homeschool (or religious) environment?

I’m a bit different than some of my peers who want state regulation over home education and parenting. I’m also quite opinionated about how some Christians and Homeschoolers interpret the Constitution as well as the Bible. We should NEVER use the Bible to promote child abuse nor should we use it to dismiss abusive parents.

I’m an advocate for our freedom while being responsible for that freedom. Some parents violate that freedom when they violate their children’s freedom to be in a safe and secure environment. Children are the most vulnerable of our human species and deserve our protection.

I’m the kind of person that points to myself first before trying to point at some other parent so when it comes to me stepping up for another kid I keep in mind that I’m not a perfect parent either. I’m not trying to be a nosy busybody who is wanting to send a government official into every child’s home and interrogate a parent and insist they need government oversight into their home. At the same time, I think we could do a lot better job of being a good neighbor and a compassionate human being when it comes to kids.

The recent drama surrounding the HSLDA and the abuse of children has spawned a lot of conversation…much needed conversation. It’s also brought out a lot of angry, hurt, and suspicious people who want to send big brother into the mess to ‘set parents straight” and force them to be regulated by the government’s already volatile school system.

What’s a happy and reasonable medium so kids have the protection they need?

After knowing too many children who have suffered abuse in both churches and isolated homeschools, I’ve debated the pros and cons of state regulation. I’ve been discussing Constitutional freedom as well, and I think I have an idea for a good start.

I think communities need to be cooperating together with local professionals to make sure we ALL have the resources available to us so we can ALL be better parents.

So with that in mind, here are my recommendations to churches and homeschool co ops.

1. Pastors, church leaders, Nursery Directors, and Sunday School teachers should be fully trained as mandatory reporters. I don’t buy into the idea that pastors should be exempt so people can confess without being turned in. I think that’s hogwash.

2. Homeschool Co Ops should have their leaders be fully trained mandatory reporters as well.

3. Churches and Homeschool Co Ops should help coordinate with local authorities to provide low cost or free seminars for ALL parents where local professionals can come in and teach what is abuse and how to get help.

4. Offer support groups for anger management classes. If your church doesn’t already have a certified anger management counselor on staff, get someone certified or hire an outside counselor for classes.

5. Offer low cost or free child care during the classes. Be sure your child care workers are finger print approved by the FBI. You can get them to your local police department for a finger print  and background check.

I don’t think pastors or homeschool leaders should attempt to do this on their own without professionals, because often times organization leaders will use loop holes to protect their organization’s image rather than to be truly on the side of the children.

Being a mandatory reporter doesn’t mean you have a full powered license to report people in an abusive manner. Some states have legal penalties for people who file false reports. So there’s no need to be afraid of them or of becoming one. The key is to be responsible.  You’re not going to be pressured to scrutinize every parent you come in contact with. Being trained to recognize abuse is good training. You can have resources at your disposal to offer to families in need.

If we were more professional and pro-active in helping to protect children (and report properly and only when necessary), then we could help so many more children than we realize. When we cooperate with our local professional leaders, we wouldn’t need so many “big brother’” types trying to cram more government control on us.

We must be more responsible and we must do better to assist families in need.

Freedom comes with great responsibility.

Your thoughts?

 

 

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Abuse happens everywhere. Abuse is in public schools, private schools, on school buses, in the youth pastor’s offices, in Christian homes, atheist homes, etc. We must do better. Homeschoolers, Christians, and HSLDA, we must do better. Kids are being abused.

I consider myself a person of faith and I educate my children from home. I’m not always vocal about being a “Christian”. I don’t like the label, honestly. I like Christ..in fact, I love Christ. I just don’t like what the masses have done to his name and image. It’s not the ‘secular’ world’s fault Christianity has garnered a bad reputation. It’s the self righteous Pharisees who have done that all on their own. It’s several clergy who have covered up for child molestors, pastors who silence women while their husbands beat their kids to death, it’s stories like these that get Christianity a bad name. So please don’t read this article with the idea that only non Christians accuse Christians of foul play. This blog post is not propaganda to destroy homeschool freedom or Christianity, nor to promote an ideology that is contrary to the walk of faith in Christ. This is one person of faith in Christ who is blowing a trumpet.

Sadly, not enough Christians have put their feet down about it either, all in their effort to “protect God” and their churches. But their so called protection of their God and church’s image has actually brought more harm than good. When crimes against humanity, especially women and children, are committed under the Christian label, then it should be the Christians who cry “FOUL!” It should be Christians who strip the rug from the garbage being swept under it and demand proper justice.

Trying to hide abuse in the name of “protecting an image” is furthering the abuse. 

We are called to be champions for children. We are to uphold the incredible responsibility to protect children and women. Sadly, many pastors teach that women and children are not equal for protection. They are silenced into submission even when it’s to an abusive husband or father. They are taught to never say a negative word, but to instead remain silent in prayer in hopes that God will change him before the next time they get hit.

Many families don’t get the help they need, because they are taught to “fake it til they make it”.

Women, sisters…I’m going to speak up now about YOU. I know it’s incredibly scary to put your feet down with an abusive husband.  I know because I’ve lived it! My husband and I have, thankfully, gotten help for the spiraling troubles we experienced when we first got married. I was just 19 years old when we got married. We had our first child that first year and struggled in many ways. My husband was a meth addict. He struggled between being clean and indulging in drugs when times got rough. Then we had a blow up evening…and *I* called the police. Yes, it was scary. It was one of the scariest and bravest things I’ve ever done. I wasn’t working. I had no money of my own. I had no family in town. I was alone with a small child. Making that phone call was one of the best decisions I had ever made in my life.

It started a very long journey of having the local authorities involved in our lives. Court appearance after court appearance and lots of court fees. We went through a few times of separation and years of being on welfare. Two bankruptcies  We never felt well provided for with welfare..in fact..it barely met the cost of rent. I’ve spent MONTHS bending over a bathtub, washing our clothes with dollar store detergent and hanging them to dry from hangers hung throughout our tiny apartment. Using food stamps rarely fed us thoroughly each month. I often rode the city bus with our children to stand in long lines waiting for a box of food.

We struggled for six years.

Those six years went by. Two more children were born. Thankfully, our children were never in physical harm’s way. I am eternally grateful that my husband never harmed them. But I never knew how he would respond when he was in his addiction or while going through withdrawals because he didn’t have the cash to get his drugs. I sheltered our children from his anger, I would take them to the park on the days I knew he was volatile. He attended his court appointed classes for addiction and domestic violence, but he continued to spiral.

I was told by religious leaders to “submit and be a good wife” and that God would “change him” for me. Time and time again, I tried that. He continued in his addiction. I couldn’t stay silent. and I didn’t. I spoke up. I put my foot down.

I am so glad I did!

He finally got into a year long, live-in, program. It was that or go to prison for violating his court appointed classes. During his year in treatment, we had time to heal.

Staying in a home where you walk on egg shells just in hopes of helping your husband not have a blow up is NOT a good way to live and certainly not what God expects of us.

I was often told that I was a rebellious wife, by church folks. Some women were appalled that I would be so vocal with my husband, but they didn’t know about everything we’ve been through.

After treatment, my husband gave his life over to helping other men get help. He furthered his education in addiction/recovery counseling, completed his 2 year biblical studies course, served faithfully in church and in the rehab mission he graduated from. God had truly changed his life, but GOD used me and our local courts to get him the help he desperately needed. Help, our whole family desperately needed.

Women,

When you stay silent and suffer alone, you are enabling the abuse to continue. I know it’s scary. I know the fears you face. You CAN get help and you MUST get help.

Now I need to bring this even closer to home.. the homeschool community.

Tragically, many homeschool families live in fear of their government, CPS, and on top of that they fear their husbands. Even worse when their pastors advise them to “submit and obey in hopes that God will change him through your obedience”. You might feel like you have nowhere to go for real help. Perhaps a neighbor makes a phone call and CPS shows up at your door. So you call the HSLDA and they go to bat for your “right to homeschool” in order to get CPS out of your home, but now your abusive husband is protected and you are stuck in a dangerous situation that is festering (<<read Anne’s childhood story).

I know CPS doesn’t have the best reputation, but not all CPS offices and staff are zealous child thieves. Not all government authorities are anti-god looking to destroy Christianity. Not all pastors will assist abusive husbands by silencing the wives and children. And not all homeschools are suspect for abuse. There are good people in the world who want to help you and your children. There are compassionate people in your community that want to help your husband. There are people you can trust to help your family heal and not be torn apart. But if you don’t get help, abuse will tear your lives apart even worse.

I’ll be honest though, the road is long and arduous. It’s not easy. There is suffering during the healing process. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it!

As a person of faith in Christ and as a homeschooler, I plead with you all…we need to do better in the Christian community and in the homeschool community. We don’t need another Lydia Schatz to lose her life. We don’t need special needs children being abused. We don’t need little girls being violated at home by her father or by a youth pastor at church. We MUST do better.

There are women and children who need to be able to trust that we’ll be there for them when they are transparent about their needs. We need the local authorities and clergy to cooperate TOGETHER to help families. Allowing a pastor to be the only one in the home to help IS NOT going to be enough. If you’re living in fear of being hit or that your children are being hit, you need help. If you know someone who is suffering abuse, YOU need to help them get help. Walk them through the process. BE THERE for them through the WHOLE journey!

The HSLDA is under fire again and I know many are claiming the accusations against them are false. However, if we are going to support the freedom to homeschool, we ALSO MUST defend the freedom of children to have  SAFE homeschool. Oh it’s easy to cry “FOUL!” when public school kids are abused, kidnapped by a bus driver, raped, molested, or beat up by their class bully. But when it happens IN OUR COMMUNITY, we CAN NOT cover that up. When former homeschool children grow up and testify of the abuse they endured, we need to listen up.

I have been a financial supporter of HSLDA for many years now and I am asking that they become more transparent with how they practice law, how they defend homeschooling, AND how they protect children in a homeschool that is abusive.

I know children are abused in a variety of types of homes. From poor to wealthy, from Christian to atheist, from public school to homeschools. Abuse happens. It’s tragic! We can’t only speak up about abuse when it happens in a public school. We have to speak up no matter where it happens. And we have to learn how NOT to respond to abuse allegations in the homeschool community.

Defending our freedom to choose our child’s education should NEVER trump their freedom to live in a healthy and safe environment.

To the HSLDA,

As a supporter of yours, I am asking for you to clarify your mission to defend homeschool freedom. I am asking that you inform us and SHOW US how you are defending this freedom WHILE defending children in an abusive homeschool environment. HOW do you separate the defense to protect homeschool freedom WHILE NOT enabling abusive parents to further their abuse under your “protection”? HOW are YOU holding abusive parents accountable? HOW are YOU cooperating with local authorities to HELP victims?

We must do better. We must speak up.

 

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