Wrestling with UnAsked Questions

Some might say, “Who am I to question God?” I’ve heard that many times before along with a stern command from Christians to never question God. I have a hard time with that. They don’t know what I’ve been through in my life. Just because some men in the bible questioned God doesn’t mean all the questions are over. I think their questioning and testing of God shows us that we can too. Could our questioning of God really be a questioning of ourselves? Do we need to know God’s limits or our own?

Memories of difficult days can sometimes haunt me and if I sit in silence then I feel like I’m drowning. During our most difficult years of marriage…when he suffered from drug addiction and we were apart from one another.. I cried out my question.. against all commands from my Christian friends to never question God.. “Why me?” Why did he allow me to marry an addict? Why did I have to suffer so? And I wrestled with myself, my pain, my pit of despair. And I felt better for asking. Asking those questions relieved my soul. Holding them in was killing me. It was torture to my soul to suffer in the silence of unasked questions.

Asking questions makes people uncomfortable. We’d rather put on a polyester Christian cloak to hide from ourselves. To hide ourselves from the world. Do we really think the Emperor’s clothes look better on us that they looked on him? And yet Adam and Eve were naked before the Lord and not ashamed.

Why are we ashamed of our questions? Our pain? What will we discover about ourselves in the process? That we are vulnerable? Is this any surprise to God?

Maybe we’re not really afraid of God…maybe we are afraid of ourselves.

Allowing ourselves to be naked and vulnerable opens us up to the criticism and laughter of those around us. We will discover who is a friend and who is a foe….and we open ourselves up to suffer more pain and the infliction of a betrayed friendship wounds us deeply.

Will they laugh at me, or scold me for being naked before the Lord?

Will I be rejected for my humanity?…oh yes we shall.

And we are afraid of this, because life long friendships can become betrayal at a moment’s notice and the loss of the facade means more nakedness and greater depths of vulnerability and there it is that we discover we are not alone.

Huntington Beach, Ca. - 10/30/2011 by brotherscott, on Pix-O-Sphere
{photo credit Scott at Pix-O-Sphere}

When the onslaught of anger reaches it’s boiling point and we see that friends were really foes of the vulnerability of the cross it is then that we find the fellowship of his sufferings. We receive lashings from all around us, belittling words, curses that nail our hands to that cross and we’re crowned with the heretic’s royal diadem. We’re utterly shamed by the crowd and our clothes are rent and lots are cast… we went down the slippery slope and we are laid bare. Accused of rejecting God, we embrace him on that cross and he embraces us back…’today you will be with me in paradise’.

Look up one more time and see that there are tears shed for you my friends…and there are those who eagerly await your rebirth, your resurrection from the dead and they look for that blessed hope in you.

And it wounds us deeply under the rib…the heart is punctured and we die.

Who were they that crucified me, but so called Christians who wagged their tongues as I died that day. Those religious zealots who didn’t understand this Christ…because they had their own idea of what a savior is and they don’t believe he has come yet. They still wait for what is already our reality…this Kingdom that was found within and we didn’t know, we didn’t realize that unless we would die.. we would not find the birth of that seed…it was there all along.

This resurrection came about in the nakedness of the cross, of our shame, and we wrestled with our unasked questions out of fear, but life burst forth from that death. But the pain of that death held me back…I sat in the darkness of my unasked questions and suffered in the silence that gagged me.

The freedom to ask was given to me by the One who set me free. And each day I can wrestle with the One who will not defeat me..he wrestles with me and we  enjoy the heart beating hard, His arms around me the whole time. The slippery slope doesn’t end in destruction, we slide and end up in a never ending sea of grace. And there is no end…His love is vast and He is the Alpha found within..this mystery revealed. And so it is with any mystery..the glorious enjoyment of asking questions…because he is not insulted by our questions. He welcomes them and show us great and mighty things each step of the way.