I watched as other women, in our sisterhood in Christ, developed substantial ‘followings’ with their writing, music, and public speaking….and I’m in awe. Praise God that they get a chance to use their platform to encourage us all in our faith, but deep down inside there was still this passionate green eyed monster that waged a war against my soul. I have prayed that the Lord would slay that monster, because one must die before they can be reborn. I stood over that corpse and considered carrying that body on my back, all that dead weight and it plagued my soul. Living in denial of death while not living in the reality of resurrection. What a morbid place to be in my mind and heart. My soul plagued with the stench of the green toxic fumes of death, I gasped for life. I could taste the decaying flesh on my tongue, why do I torment myself? Did he slay that dragon or not? It all came down to me taking the road to reality with my faith. How will I recognize myself without those glowing green eyes? I stare at my soul in the reflection of the fountain of life and I’m almost unrecognizable. My eyes have the glimmer of green flecks in my iris and what purpose is there in this remnant of that old identity? The lie had deceived me through a twisted perception of what was really there all along.
It wasn’t that I needed to die, because Christ had died in my stead. It was that I needed to view life through the victory of the cross. My perception needed to die so I could see myself as God sees me. What he said surprised me, “Don’t look at them (referring to those sisters), look at what I planted in you…The Christ.” It was then that I realized that I wasn’t really wrestling with a green eyed serpent, I was wrestling with a false image of myself. I needed to see that I was truly created in His image and what my heart was passionate for was to come into the full completion of who he created me to be. I was suckered into thinking I needed to live up to the image of my sisters. Turning my eyes upward left me feeling trapped and unable to reach him, but what he revealed to me was that I needed to turn my eyes inward to see Him in me. He created me to be creative, to love and to be loved. He created me to be myself and to enjoy His presence in my soul.
So I can see my sisters in the glory God gave them and be truly happy for them, because I am truly happy with myself. I am whole.